My reason for staying sane: An ode to my man.

Well now then, about depression. Or Postpartum depression rather. I don’t think I’ve had a bout of it to date, which I am very thankful for. But I had to get past the 3 week mark after Jessica was born before I felt like I could handle being a mom, and being home alone with an infant.
I have to admitt I have the occasional physco daydream that I’ll drop her, or what if I go to pick her up and her arms fall out of her sockets and fall off. Or if we let her cry herself to sleep, and then when she stops crying I think she’s dead.
These thoughts can overcome you and haunt you depending on how you let them play out. Since my dad has passed away I’ve gone back to having nightmares, a very real problem for me before I got married – I had nightmares a lot. But after getting married they stopped. They were just done, gone.
Then my dad died and they came back – and some nights when I’m feeding Jessica and I’m not really awake yet – I think things that I would be embarassed to admit because they make me feel crazy – a little out of my mind and it’s emabarassing to be this “old” and still have a problem with nightmares or letting daydreams go to far and getting scared – but here it goes:
I think someone from the appartment complex next to our house has been watching me while I’m home alone and knows when I’m feeding Jessica, I imagine them breaking one of the windows in Jessica’s room and killing either her or her and me, and I won’t go into detail, but I can imagine exactly how they would do this. When this happens, when I let my mind run with these scenarios – I end up calling for Aaron in the middle of the night, with Jessica saftely tucked on my lap – she’s still eating – and I’m crying uncontrollably because of what my mind lets me see.
And as I sit there sobbing out of complete horror – my husband, bless his heart, storms in the room to find me out of my mind scared and he sits with me and holds me and tells me everything is going to be OK.
This is why, I beleive, I’ve been able to get out of the slumps of depression if they come around – I have a husband who loves me with reckless abdonment and he’d do absolutely anything to make sure I’m safe, taken care of and most of all happy.
He celebrated me, as a wife and as a mother yesterday – on my first Mothers Day. I’ve never felt so special or loved or cherished. I feel so taken care of, and I love that. I love you Aaron. Thank you for taking care of me in the middle of my darkest nights. You are the sweet sweet scent I crave.

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