Cringe

I tried to submit this particular journal entry from 1999 to Sarah Brown’s cringe book project 4 times unsuccessfully. *tear*
I chose this journal entry because as suggested when I was reading it again 8 years later I actually cringed. I don’t know if it’s funny really, a little more heart breaking that at 15 I had such brave things to say to someone who had hurt me.
This could have been written about a number of people in my life at the time and I honestly don’t know who it was about back then. My favorite line? “I’m sorry I realize theres more behind the gate of your backyard.” Because at 15 my world was always very small and bubble like. Atleast there was a moment that I got it.

May 17, 99 Wed.
I’m sorry I tried so hard to care. I’m sorry for closing my eyes and being such an easy target for your ego. I’m sorry I was so assinine to you. I’m sorry I was never perfect. I’m sorry you could never look at me and see yourself. I’m sorry I’m my own person. I’m sorry I didn’t know how to say no.
I’m sorry I didn’t do this earlier. I’m sorry I loved you so blindly. I’m sorry you’re the way you are. I’m sorry I don’t love you and don’t want you. I’m sorry I realize there’s more to life. I’m sorry I realize there’s more behind the gate of your backyard. I’m sorry I dream. I’m sorry I escape but I am never sorry that dignity, wisdom, trust and loyalty formed within my being because of disaster. I’m not sorry for you.

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