R.I.P. Ki-Ki

As picture here at the very bottom, I have a blanket on my lap separating the burning hotness of the computer from my legs.
That beautiful piece of fabric – that’s my blankie. Affectionately referred to as my ki-ki. People, I voluntarily threw this away September 10, 2005. I remember it because it was the night before the anniversary of Sept. 11 and also? because it was like putting my best friend in the ground, six feet under.
I can count on one hand the number of nights I ever remember sleeping without this blanket in all of my life before I let Aaron throw it away for me. I didn’t take it on our honeymoon only because Aaron didn’t take his computer. An equal compromise. My blanket did however go through labor and delivery with me. Are you kidding? 16 hours of contractions without my security blanket? You either have never passed a kidney stone or had the privileged of bearing children and then popping them out of your eye socket. Gross.
I also used to suck my thumb. In fact I was born sucking my thumb. Again, gross. At 5 we did a “Quit” program through our dentist and it worked until I was 8 and my parents started having problems, I began sucking my thumb again – through the tender age of 11. I quit cold turkey one night after my parents asked me what it would take and I answered – an Adding Machine.
People, it doesn’t get better than this, I am not shitting you. An adding machine complete with paper rolls upon paper rolls. They took me to Staples immediately. I still own that adding machine – it’s very dear to me. But I have not sucked my thumb since that night – although I still clung with great satisfaction to my blankie.
My blankie was the one piece of home I could take with me between my mom’s house and my dad’s house – it was the only constant I’ve ever had in my life. I would take it to sleep overs in high school, I took it to movies at friends houses when I was dating Aaron – I am not at all embarrassed about my love affair with a very large pink thing.
So why did I get rid of it? Um. I had a moment of clarity. I was 22, actually – ALMOST 22 and had a 9 month old daughter. I had to look in the mirror and ask myself if I wanted Jessica to learn that kind of dependency on something, if I wanted her to be married with a baby and still clinging to her pacifier of choice. I wanted to prove that I could do life without this crutch – that I could cling to my husband and not something that kept me from holding those closest to me even closer.
So during a commercial break in a show I asked Aaron to take it away from me, only after I ripped in half, because I had to some how hurt it and the memories I made to make it ok to leave it in the dirty trash can. He took it and put it away.
Weeks later after my begging to have it back, didn’t he know I was kidding – why on earth would he think it was ok to throw something so meaningful to me away?! He told me he had hid it away just for this reason but that only last week after my progress did he actually throw it away.
I was too late. It was gone forever. R.I.P. Ki-Ki. But my life, is so much fuller now. I have a big strong husband to cuddle instead of an unwashed blanket that made it’s way into my heart before I knew what was there.

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