I’ve been open on this website about my history of depression and how proactive we were when we were pregnant with Jessica, thinking I would have a bout of postpartum depression. I didn’t, and we counted our blessings. I did go through the “baby blues” which for me, were nothing compared to what I know depression to be in my own life. It was an emotional few weeks getting used to a baby and learning how to feed her and sleep on such a whacked out schedule but I never felt desperate or like there was no hope. I never felt like I was drowning.
I had read that postpartum depression can develop any time in the first year of life and when Jessica’s birthday came and went I said a prayer of thanks … too soon. Something changed right around her birthday and I thought to myself – uh oh. Problem is I kept having good days, OK days and thought that I just needed to get a grip. I needed to get over it or try harder.
It’s been mounting for the past 2 years and this past week I finally made the call to my doctor to start my med’s again. I made the call on Wednesday and they told me I’d have to see the doctor first, which I was expecting – but when they called me back that afternoon and told me that after speaking to the nurse who knows my history they were calling in a prescription for me, I started to cry.
And then Thursday I get the call that my Grandma isn’t doing very well, they don’t expect her to make it through the weekend – so I went to visit her for what would be the very last time. It was like looking at my dad while I knew he was dieing – I didn’t think my Grandma was going to make it through the night and it turns out I was right. She passed away at 11:38 Thursday evening.
Had I not made the call to start my med’s I can tell you, almost positively, that this past week would have forced me to admit myself into the hospital. I just needed a break, a day or weekend where someone else took care of me. Time to think, to process, to deal. Fortunately relief came in the form of medicine that I know, full well, will lift the fog and open a path to healing for me.