Dear Jessica,

I write to you often – on this website and in journals, but tonight I did something that I rarely do – I’ve been having this undeniable feeling that I just need to say a few things to you – important things. And I kept thinking, ok – I’ll write them down, but then this past few days happened to us … your dad is away for a little bit and it’s been you, me and Oliver. We’re doing really well, just the three of us and tonight you were crying about going to bed.
So I picked you up, put you on my belly and lie down with you while I massaged your leg for you – it was hurting, you said. Then I started to think about how I used to hold you like that all the time, like I do now with Oliver. How I would rock you to sleep and sing in your ear. How I could get love-drunk off the smell of your hair while you slept in my arms and sweat. So I started talking about it. I started telling you all these things about how I felt when we found out we were pregnant, how excited I was to have a baby and how I chose your name. I told you what it meant to me to have you as my baby and the thoughts that went through my head when I first laid eyes on you.
I told you little stories about your life so far – and what they meant to me along the way and then I told you that I think you’re going to be a strong woman, someone who takes chances and lives life to the fullest. I said “You’re going to be just right” and you know what you did? You smiled, and you nodded. Like you weren’t sure I knew that you knew, or that you weren’t sure I believed it.
Either way I was crying. I often underestimate your maturity, what you “get” and understand – what you pick up on. And then you know what you did? You thanked me for helping you with your leg. Which really meant – Thanks mom for filling my love tank, for seeing that I need you and for needing me back.
I have a lot of words – I’m rarely at a loss for them when I write – but there are absolutely none to explain the way you make me feel. How proud I am to be your mom, how sincerely I believe that you are going to be just right.
Love,
Mama

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