Reflections and love for Oliver

A year ago we were hoping I was going to be in labor on my own. I even took the castor oil and hoped for the best, which yielded nothing in return. We had our bags packed because we new that come morning, labor or not, we’d be dropping Jessica off at my mom’s for the day and giving birth to our son, yet to be named.
That moment in time – when I saw Jessica in the rear view mirror of the car as we drove off to meet this new life was a very defining one for me. I had no idea I would be so emotional about letting go of the “before” as I was on my way to greet the “after”. I couldn’t turn back time and hold her once more, or lay in bed with her and watch my belly move and tumble with life. I couldn’t grab-n-go and have my little buddy all to myself any more.
We were bringing home another baby, a sibling. The next piece of the puzzle in our family.
Oliver, we were bring you home and as sad as I was to see the time with just Jessica go I was ready to embrace the love and care that I was charged with in order to have you in my arms.
We had it down to two names. I was championing for Otto Wayne and your dad was still very much in love with Oliver. I think it was officially the name for you when things started moving along in the labor – about dinner time. I looked at Aaron and said, Ok, it’s Oliver. He’s Oliver. Let’s do this, I want to meet him already.
And meet you I did. Wow. I’ll never forget the feelings of giving birth to your sister, who is the most wonderful thing in our lives aside from you, and your birth was just as memorable. I couldn’t believe you were here! There were two babies in my life! TWO as in PLURAL! I was so excited to scream that from the top of my lungs. I had kidSSSSSS!!!!
Oliver you were perfect and this past year you’ve grown and giggled and cried and cooed and crawled, walked, fell, learned and watched. You’re not just the baby in this family Oliver, you’re my baby. And God, how I love you.
It took me months to learn how to juggle two kids, the fierceness for which I loved Jessica grew in time with her – the intensity was notched up every day but when you were born I loved you just as much as I loved her – right away. I had no idea this happened. I figured it would start all over again – I would love you, but as I got to know you – those feelings would grow and mature and be what they as they came … but I was wrong. SO wrong.
I didn’t know how to handle this at first, I felt like I was cheating on Jessica by loving you just as much. I felt like she had the short end of the stick because of it. Then I got mad with you because you’re the reason I was feeling this way and didn’t you know just to be a baby? Couldn’t you just lie there and not be so darn lovable ALL THE TIME.
These were a couple hard weeks – learning how to accommodate the growth in my heart for two but not only learning that was possible – learning that it was inevitable and that my heart was already that big – now it was just crowded.
You are a very different person from your sister and it kinda sucks that the kids after the first are always compared to the older sibling because that’s our (as parents) frame of reference. She’s all we knew of how a baby slept, ate, cried, communicated and then you came and were totally different.
You’ve blown us away – we love having a boy in the house and all these trucks running underfoot are loved by Jessica almost more than you at this point.
Oliver, you are just wonderful. I hope we all get the chance to watch you grow into a man of character, a man with purpose and drive. A man who respects others but at the same time who can love harder than anyone we know. I hope you’re the husband of someone’s dreams … and I know that’s possible because you have the best example to watch every single day.
I simply can’t get enough of you, the little man in our lives.
Love,
Mama

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