I tried to make a video today but I ended up crying on camera. Ummm, yeeeaah.
I’ve had a very weepy past 24 hours and I just don’t know where it’s coming from. Well, I do, but I don’t understand it. I was walking around today with Oliver fresh from his nap and I looked in the mirror, just moments past from breaking down on film, and I felt like I had just been told my (step)dad died all over again.
I felt punched. Broken. Hopeless.
Change is incredibly difficult for me which is odd because my entire life has been one huge change after another – but I think I’ve logged enough in my book of life now. I want a break.
But really? I need to just start dealing with the changes instead of stuffing them in a closet and then throwing away the key while I rearrange my life to somehow function in the After because Before is never coming back.
The calendar usually dictates when this happens to me through out the year, certain months will almost guarantee my husband finding me completely clothed and sobbing in the bottom of the tub with a hot shower washing my tears away. It’s like the clock inside of me, my soul, just remembers. I want to move on and be sustainable past the pain but how can I when my mind revolts.
But this random weepy season inside of winter has me baffled. I don’t know if it’s mounting memories that I need to deal with or mounting unknowns of the future that have me scared shitless. Either way, it’s affecting me. duh.
I guess I just need to get that off my chest. It’s not always rainbows and homemade sweets over here. I’m still me.