I’m kind of disgusted with myself. I write on my About Me page how “I love God with a passion I don’t know how to write about or even, most days, feel about. I’m worried and anxious about this belief because of how it makes me feel – but being grounded in His Word is something I’m striving for, so I’m no longer grounded in me. I don’t often write about it but maybe some day I will and it’s just important that you know this about me, no matter what.”
But then I never really say anything else about it – and when I do mention faith or leaning on a higher power, or thinking there’s a God or believing in God, I smatter it with disclaimers and “don’t judge me!” pretext because I still think, personally, that believing in something you can’t see is abstract enough to be crazy. Like, clinically so.
Then we jump the boat and decide to sell our house trusting wholly on the fact that whatever happens happens and I start to worry and then I start to read my Bible and post on Facebook “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord” and I’ve never been more at peace.
And I’m sick of me. Sick of thinking that I ever have anything to do with the beauty around me, that I’m doing something great or being something great. I never give credit where credit is due and all of sudden here we are, praying HARD for things to happen, mountains to move so we can embark on this adventure and I’m such a hypocrite.
Because I just don’t give a flying fuck any more if you like me despite my faith, I am a lamb of God and sick of hiding it. Not from you, from myself.
Yea, I swear. I totally fling the F word around in the same paragraph where I’m claiming Christ and, I apologize for being that lame yet in my journey – but THAT IS WHERE I AM. I’m just not going to lie about that anymore … to me. To myself.
So the offer that was on our house went stale – as far as we know the buyer just walked away from the deal. And that’s fair and we’re fine with it. I planted my garden with the kids today and can’t wait to see the seedlings grow. We might be ready to move on, but we have roots here too. New and old alike. Baby roots and walking ones.
Thanks for sticking with me through the growing pains.