settle

Things she gives me

I’m trying very hard not to jump into something right now. Redecorating the apartment, settling in. Selling all our furniture in the storage unit that we don’t miss and can’t remember owning. Selling the van and buying something we can afford without payments.

I’m climbing on top of the duties of this house. Cleaning, keeping track of the budget, paying bills.

Things she gives me

Now that we have this clearing, this space in which anything can happen I struggle to let it be. I want to MAKE things happen. I want MOVE the obstacles, move the mountains and get to where we’re going.

Some times I work so hard to get here, to this emptiness and then I look around for things to fill it again. To amass the things I think I need, now. Here.

feather

But I fill bags and bags of trinkets, garbage and old papers that have no meaning and watch them load into the back of a truck where I don’t have to think about them, be responsible for them or care that they were mine anymore.

Maybe the best thing right now is to just observe. Not want nothing, need nothing. To organize and purge accordingly but to stop collecting coupons or ads for things I’ll never buy.

Instead of buying gifts this year I’d rather volunteer to wrap them. Instead of busying my calendar with things to accomplish I’d rather sit still and drink some tea. I’d rather be content to know that all my day consists of is driving back and forth to get my laundry done. And that’s ok.

I want to stop “getting some where” and start looking for ways to enjoy the ride. This morning, for example, I grabbed some coffee and ran into friends – and instead of my normal M.O. of a quick hello and then darting out the door I sat down. Then saw another friend on the sidewalk, parked my car and ran over to say hello.

I like this new feeling of being in the moment. My clock and list aren’t the boss today, they’re guides, yes … but I’m in charge.

It’s just … kind of wonderful to stop judging myself against an imaginary scale of Right and Wrong.

So here I am, in the midst of a great lifestyle upheaval and I’m ok.

Fancy that.

4 thoughts on “settle

  1. Yes, yes, and YES!!! Love it!

    I so know what you mean! I’ve been working so hard these last few months freeing myself of obligations, stuff (ummm….just moved my HUGE dresser out of my room today. It’s now making me get rid of half my cloths. Cloths I haven’t worn since highschool…yes…highschool!) and the busyness of life. But with openings in my schedule I found myself SEARCHING online for things to do.

    My heart is bursting from the joyfulness in the here and now and yet I still have to come to terms with contentment.

  2. You don’t have laundry (sorry, this isn’t all I got out of this post, just wondering)?!? I hope you don’t go to a laundry mat! If you ever think of doing that, please drive the extra 4 miles to my house and feel free to use the machines 🙂

  3. ha! no we don’t have laundry – haven’t since we moved out of the old house. We were waiting to buy new (to us) machines until we moved into the new house and used my grandparents all summer … but they move away for the winter and now we have to figure it out. We’ll most likely be buying some used machines for the basement of this house – you’re kind and not the first to offer your machines, but we’re a family of 4. We have a LOT of laundry. It’s just time we pulled the trigger on this one.

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