Lady Red

This title will alert only a few of you as to what this might be about: to the rest, consider this my disclaimer. I do not want to write about this, but soon you will know why I just have to. Also? If you’re a guy …. skip this one. Please. Pretend you don’t know me, do not ever bring this up. Ever.

Ever since this past summer when I skipped my period entirely and then freaked out over 8 failed pregnancy tests and blood tests at the hospital I finally returned to a regular scheduled working uterus. You’re so glad you know that, don’t you? Who wants the last 4 seconds back from their life? REFUND!

I should just let you all off the hook now, I am not pregnant. But thanks for working so hard at reading between the lines.

However that didn’t stop me from requesting that Aaron go on that special run to the pharmacy when I thought (by calculations done in my head while driving around, which is never a good idea FYI.) I should have already started my you-know-what.

Surprise, surprise … our birth control has yet to disappoint us and a negative reading we did receive. It’s a ritual now. Freak out! Test! Negative! Emotional roller coaster for 5 minutes! Starts period within 12 hours!

Hi! I’m extremely uncomfortable right now, you?

But this time it was different. I thought I learned my lesson about absorbency that one time in the 6th grade when my mom thought it was a good idea to buy me white jeans the same year I started my period; yet had absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of how to keep track of said obligation for the rest of my life.

Talk about an awkward Homeroom Role Call. Jodi? HERE! No … uh, Jodi? You need to visit the ladies room. {Shrinks 17 inches below my desk and forgets what dignity ever felt like in a room of 12 year old boys.}

I am a twenty seven year old woman, I’ve given birth twice. I should have a black belt in Menstruation by now.

Yet, here I am, being all grown, and waking up to a tsunami godzilla period.

No worries! I’ll just clean up in the bathroom and then remember that all of my underwear are in the wash. Every single one of them.

Which is so convenient when the kids start crying and I have to check on them. Naked.

Don’t worry, parenting prepares you for this kind of embarrassment. Plus it was dark, what could they have seen? Exactly. I don’t want to know.

Fast forward to wakeful hours of the day and let’s get ready for a play date! In public!

Totally awesome that in the 45 minutes it took us to arrive I had already made a mess of my own situation. This morning should have taught me a valuable lesson. Forget extra clothes for the one in potty training … pack a pair for your self, woman!

This playground is special though, parents can get right in there and play with their kids! Which my son already knows, we’ve been there before. He wants Mom to come, too! MOM!! Why aren’t you playing with me??!!

Mommy has an owie. I can’t play today, dude. Sorry. You go though! Have so much fun, I’ll be right here … watching.

{Crickets}

I made it to the end of the playdate, through the rest of our day and into the evening which happened to be Date Night!

Oh Date Night. We tried a new restaurant (strike one) and then went to see a movie (strike two) and then decided to browse a book store for a bit (I’m out).

I’m sitting there thumbing through some decor books when it hits me.

I have to use the bathroom.

Right. Now.

Aaron was on a phone call so I just dropped my book and bee-lined it to the bathroom. I actually tried to buy a tampon from the vending machine (only 10 cents!! What the hell? Why is the pad 25? Who uses the pad’s MORE!!!??) but they were out.

There was some weird creaky water dripping happening and after the movie we saw my senses were on overdrive, so I’m looking all over the bathroom thinking someone’s behind the door waiting to get me. I’ve assessed my exit strategy – looked for hidden cameras (gross) and made sure my door locked.

I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. I had visions of having to send an SOS text to Aaron and him finding me on the bathroom floor.

Of course by this time I’ve already blogged this in my head and didn’t know how I was going to get this story to you had I ended up on the bathroom floor. It was not pretty.

So there I am trying to finish everything up before one of the employee’s comes in to check the bathroom for closing. Only I did not want that to happen, to have any kind of witness to what was going on in there (Hello, internet.) and I probably would have just spent the night in shame.

You know what you do? You wrap your underwear in the 1/2 ply commercial toilet paper and then get. out. fast.

But quick buy a book before you leave the store because there’s no possible way you can leave a note on the mirror with a $20 explaining how you realize this was never part of their job description.

8 thoughts on “Lady Red

  1. No shame. Been there SO many times. It never stops being horrifying, humiliating, and isolating. At least, with you blogging about it, we can NO LONGER feel alone. Let’s bleed together, women of the world. Let’s bleed.

  2. I read this when you published it. Pretended not to be here. Can no longer refrain from commenting.

    Dude, we buy stock in preggo tests cuz I’m paranoid like that. Can’t wait til he gets the boys snipped in 2 months. You didn’t hear that from me. I’m pretending, too.

  3. Oh man. LOL. I love that you guys are helping me not feel like a complete freak. I’m still in hiding and have had people ask me about our date night having no idea if they read my blog (but have mentioned it in the past) so I stand there stunned trying to gage how I’m supposed to answer. I just say – oh! It was fun!

    And yes, the snipping – happens soon for us too. I. am. so. excited.

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