Most embarrassing conversation. Ever?

Last week I promised that if the world did not end (surprise surprise!) I’d tell you about an embarrassing conversation.

For more frequent updates like that one lets be friends on facebook, mkay?

It all started when we were on a playdate Friday morning and I had a ladies issue that needed attending to. Excuse me, dear readers: I am going there.

I did not have the equipment with me that was needed. And if we’re going to be talking about this then we’re going to be talking about this. I needed a tampon.

My girlfriend happened to have some in her purse, albeit very old ones. So I took the plural “light days” applicators with me to the bathroom and whatever. Magic happened, ok?

Ladi-dah. All is well. Playdate is wonderful. I’m always slightly blonde and foggy-headed so ok, no big deal. I apparently don’t bring feminine hygiene products with me anywhere I go.

However, and this is where it gets awkward, upon returning home it happened to be time to visit the rest room and switch things up a bit. And lets just say I didn’t get a full refund.

Folks: I was certain there was a tampon stuck. In there.

What the? What do I do?

Immediately I start thinking of Danielle whom I had the humorous pleasure of hearing first hand about how she went through a similar situation when I was at BlogHer Conference 2009.

I knew I didn’t want to wait days and days or do anything while my 50% off coupon was floating around my uterus so I decided I should just call my OB. It happened to Danielle, so of course, this has to be kind of a normal thing.

Right?

Ring Ring. Ring. WayTooLongOfARecordingForAnOB’sOfficeGreetingMessage
AndMenuOfOptionsPleasePreeFour.

Beep. (That’s me pressing 4.)

Dead silence. No music while on hold. Only the echo of my mind going “When they answer you just have to be honest. Say “I think I have a tampon stuck” and let them ask the questions … over and over again.

PhoneNurse: Hello?
Me: Hi, my name is Jodi and I’m pretty sure I have half a tampon stuck … um … inside. You know. There.
PhoneNurse: Half of one? What were you doing?
Me: Yes, well. Nothing. Just routine maintenance really. It was an older tampon I used in an emergency but only half of it came out.
PhoneNurse: That’s almost impossible!
Me {thinking}: Of course it is! Why yes, yes it would be an almost impossible situation that I would be in this circumstance.
Me {actual talking}: Oh. Well I guess this stuff just happens to me? What do I do?
PhoneNurse: What’s your DOB.
Me: {gives info}
PhoneNurse: Is this Jodi???!!! Jodi?? This is Sarah!
Me: Yup, yeah. This is Jodi. Sarah?? Oh hi! Sarah from highschool! Hey! Hi! Yeah, how are the kids? Oh wow! So weird that you’re the one who answered my call! Huh heh. Heh …. ha….. ha.
PhoneNurse {Now Sarah}: So funny! Yeah! Well we can get you in to see the doctor, want me to get you an appointment?
Me: Yes, lets just do this.

They got me in to see the doctor within the hour, only I had my kids with me … still. So I quick called my mother in law who was very willing to watch them while I took care of this as soon as embarrassingly possible.

Doctors Visit:

Hi Doctor I’ve never met before. You’re younger than I was envisioning. Oh, yes. Please. Let’s shake on it. OK, hi.

You’re absolutely right. I’m embarrassed about why I’m in here. Can you please say it out-loud a few more times? “Getting a tampon stuck.” “I see many women with the same question or fear.” “Sounds like you came in right away which will save you from infections and {very disgusting descriptive words about symptoms} …” “As an OB this is one of those problems that easily solved, I love these problems!”

Awesome. Explains the career path, bringing life into the world aside, you must be very good at what you do. Hows about we just get this over with?

Oh, you need a nurse in here for this? Of course you do. Please get ANOTHER witness to this situation. I would LOVE that.

Nurse enters, we “solve the problem” and then the nurse says – Sarah {PhoneNurse} wants you to stop by her desk before you leave.

THANKS, NURSE, FOR THE MESSAGE!!! It’s like my own personal assistant following me around.

I was relieved to have lived through all of this for the YoungerThanExpected Vagina Doctor to be all: Nope! No tampon in here! Let’s get you dressed so you can go see your friend EXCLAMATION POINT EXCLAMATION POINT.

Yup.

Thank you? Thanks. I, uh. Well, good then. You’re sure? The rest of my body can’t swallow things right? I’m not going to have weird stomach pains that turn into an emergency x-ray showing I have a weird formation of cotton floating around, right? Don’t answer that. I’m choosing to believe you. You seemed thorough enough.

Nurse, where’s PhoneNurse-Sarah’s desk?

M’kay. Alrighty then. Wonderful. Bye!

No worries, dear friends, it was great to see Sarah again. Caught up on her beautiful family, assured her I was A-OK and made tentative plans for some coffee. She has my number.

It will be nice to be the one on the other end of her phone next time 😉

4 thoughts on “Most embarrassing conversation. Ever?

  1. This actually happened to someone I know, who I cannot name because she would kill me, but – in her case, she actually had to, um, well, it was not a false alarm. And also, neither of us will ever buy Playtex and their detachable strings again. Ever.

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