Dreams. Awkward ones. Alternately titled at bottom.

{This has taken me two days to write and I was going to leave all kinds of this story out for later … but ended up just letting it come out. So … Here’s the ordeal.}

I had this bizarre dream yesterday Wednesday while napping with my kids. It could be chalked up to the fact that I haven’t napped mid day in over a year or that I’m emotionally raw and receptive to all kinds of 4th dimension thinking when my eyes are closed. Or that I was so exhausted I just made up some really fantastically awkward situations for myself in a dream.

As promised by Aaron today:

conversational promises

We’ll get to the news one of these days – and this dream has to do with the current status of this situation called Our Address. Or rather, Our Hunt For An Address. Or rather, How We’re Trying Not To Be Homeless In Nine Days.

I interrupt this broadcast to yell: Grandma? Please look away.

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

So the dream, then.

We’ve been looking at homes to rent these past few days because our lease at our current rental is expiring the end of this month and is already re-rented to a new tenant.

In the mean time – early last month we put an offer on another home. And told NO ONE about it. For a good 6 weeks. Can we keep our mouths shut about being pregnant? Not for a second – but buying a house after the first try earlier this year didn’t work out in epic proportions – we were damn well going to cross every single T and dot ALL the I’s before admitting to trying this again.

Like Mortgage Infertility.

We weren’t having any luck looking for a rental that would be a month to month situation while we figured out the closing date and what not of the home. Our realtor has a rental he showed us and we are forever thankful to him for all the work he’s done for us this year … without getting paid because we have yet to close on a house. Seriously. Ugh. However – there is a real possibility this rental (where ever we end up) could be another permanent-for-the-time-being situation if we didn’t get things ironed out with the house. And the rental he showed us wasn’t something we could see ourselves living in long(short) term.

When the skies opened and we found a house to rent in town. An entire house. It has a dishwasher. It’s almost double what we’re paying in rent now (ugh!) but it’s a whole house and did I mention the dishwasher? And hopefully, it’s temporary. I want my own house. Let’s just be clear there. Renting needs an expiration date in my life.

So, hi?! There’s a dream in here somewhere.

We had yet to see the house, in fact had just heard about it and finally I stopped vomiting and crying constantly about WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW when I laid down with my kids and fell dead to the dream that folded out like this:

In my dream we hadn’t signed a lease yet but were given keys to move things in – only instead of moving things in we became squatters in the house. There was orange carpet and the owners were on vacation so we were just there. For some reason, Aaron was naked. (I said it was awkward) and we were all sleeping when the owners came home to check on things … only to find us just literally hanging out in their house.

Enter the most difficult dream-conversation I’ve ever had to direct with my eyes closed.

Good news is: we did meet the owners and saw the house (no orange carpet) and are signing a lease (month to month for now) tomorrow morning. We’re also moving tomorrow.

However: About our Mortgage Infertility …

So guess what? We were promised by the bank that we were all set – things were a GO! We had a tentative closing date, then a home inspection. And here’s where we take a left turn. Or would this be considered the round-about? Are we lost? We’ve been down this road before.

Still haven’t told any one. Refuse to write about it online or make any proclamations. Why? Why not just tell our families and get the support of our closest friends? Because I want this so bad. Because I want my own kitchen and bedroom and I want a garden and safe place for my children to play.

There were some major issues with the house after the inspection – and the bank (the home was a forclosure) was willing to fix the biggest of the problems but would not give us a time line and of course, we’re counting down the days til we have to be out of the apartment we’re already in.

Last week Aaron took a couple days off work because we were looking at homelessness as a serious option for a good month. Our families are mostly around here but no one has enough room for a family of 4 to live with them for an extended period of time. And house-hopping is just no longer and option for us.

Somewhere in there we told our families who then would not stop asking us questions about the house or what color paint am I thinking for the kitchen …. SERIOUSLY? THAT IS NOT OK. Stop. It.

Painful is what this is – to constantly be reminded that something we want so badly is not available to us.

We had started to tell some friends about this as well – we announced We’re Buying a House! a few weeks ago only to have things fall apart from there.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed. Not because we didn’t keep this quiet longer or because people are going to find out, again, that this isn’t working for us – but for believing so blindly that when we were ready – a house would be too.

Which I suppose begs the question: Are we really ready, then?

This post could also be titled “How we went from taking a loss on our home, to building – and selling that home all the while renting to trying to buy a bungalow – to not buying a bungalow to still renting to wanting to buy a home while renting – to our lease is expiring and we’re going to be homeless … To: We’re still renting. Somewhere new.

I guess I just needed to write this? Sorry it’s forever wordy. I’m a fragile flower lately – and tonight I’m going on a fabulous date with the love of my life and some of our best friends. Tonight? I have an address … and it turns out, tomorrow I will too.

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