Um, I don’t think things are going well. I spend a lot of time wishing I was sleeping and then also a lot of time actually sleeping. I struggle daily with self-loathing. I just look tired and have a hard time convincing myself to try.
Last week I was without a car due to Aaron’s needing to be in the shop so I had an easy (yet forgettable) excuse as to why I kept missing appointments and play dates. I think I’ve gone beyond stressed. I think I’ve been stretched beyond what I originally planned my capacity to be for these kinds of situations or life upsets and I’m struggling with how to balance and re-gain purpose in the midst of it all.
In the meantime I cannot stop watching documentaries. The one that hit me the most was Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. Not because it’s some revolutionary thing! Juicing! But because I’ve done it all. Doctors, AK chiropractic’s, acupuncture, massage, therapy, countless nutritionists … and well – I still feel like shit. I didn’t always feel like this – in fact last year when we moved in to the first apartment I was feeling pretty great. I was stressed from the move but I was just coming off the year I lost 30 lbs and reset my body to a working, non pre-diabetic entity.
Food can do that: food can heal you.
But the timeline of my last year was so thoroughly out of whack that I kept waiting for the “next step” before I got back inline with my own health.
We never took “the next step” infact we piled on more stress and more needless decisions and then watched in amazement at my downward spiral. Why are you so unhappy, Jodi? How can we get back to where we were before?
Don’t worry – while you continue to ask me those haunting questions I’m going to shovel the foods that made me sick right back into my mouth, I’m going to drink too much wine, way too much coffee and pretend all this sugar I’m eating is just to get me to tomorrow.
But first I’m going to sleep. I’m going to sleep a lot.
So I finally did something about it. I bought a juicer and it’s on it’s way. I’m not planning on doing a crazy 60 day fast on just juice but I am planning on trying it for 3, then maybe 4 … maybe I’ll make it to 7. I need a reset. In the course of the last year I’ve gained some of the weight I had lost back. Not at an alarming rate – it’s been a healthy gain but it’s putting me back into dangerous zones for my blood sugar.
And although, if we’re being honest, I am obsessed with losing this weight, I am even more obsessed with being around for my daughters wedding and meeting my grandchildren some day. I take this pre-diabetics thing seriously. I do not want to be sick for the rest of my life.
I’d like to have my energy return and to be able to happily offer to take my kids on walks and to the park. I want to have simple motivation of moving my body at the gym to be what gets me there – not a self hatred when I look into the mirror.
Even worse? I’m just hiding now. I don’t want to hang out or get dressed or enjoy the day. I want to sleep and cry and beat myself up for not preventing this sooner.
I thought about doing a whole series on Juicing with before and after photos (skin clearing up etc) and I still might – but I just need to not be alone in this headspace anymore. So, welcome to my thoughts.
It’s nice to finally have someone else here with me.