I have a few facts for you

Fact:

My son is insane.

This morning, all before 8 am, I found him with my kitchen sheers, Aaron’s hunting knife and streaking the house.

I had many warnings to these antics when he was a baby but I never imagined the every day outcome. I am not surprised by anything.

A list of things I will have an Ambulance on-call for if he ever tries:

Paintball
The shooting range
Juggling
Riding something with 2 wheels and an engine
Skateboarding
Snowboarding
Anything with a knife

Who am I kidding? I should always have a Medical Expert on-call. Forget a nanny, we need a live in nurse.

He’s three so that means when he’s six it’s a different kind of danger right? Like the worse kind? Jumping out of windows.

It’s ridiculous how specific we have to be when we’re setting boundaries and rules in a house.

YOU MAY NOT OPEN THE WINDOW AND CLIMB OUT OF OR JUMP OFF ANY SURFACE THAT IS INSIDE.

YOU GET OUTSIDE BY GOING THROUGH THE FRONT OR BACK DOOR ONLY. WHEN IT’S OPENED.

YOUR PENIS IS NOT A SWORD. OR GUN. FORGET IT, IT’S NOT ANYTHING YOU’RE ALLOWED TO SHOOT WITH OR YEILD AS A WEAPON. PUT IT AWAY.

POTTY MOUTH MEANS WHEN YOU SPEAK DISRESPECTFULLY OR ABOUT BATHROOM HABITS. IT DOES NOT MEAN YOU MAY PUT POTTY IN YOUR MOUTH. (Yes I know, this is a conversation I regretted having.)

WHEN MOM OR DAD ASKS YOU TO “HOLD IT” WE MEAN PLEASE WAIT. NOT TO LITERALLY HOLD IT. GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

Someone add to this list – what else do you find yourself saying, explaining and clearing up that was never something you ever thought twice about? Until of course you brought home a male child.

3 thoughts on “I have a few facts for you

  1. LOL! One thing I never realized about parenting is how often I find myself saying “quit playing with your penis!” Mine are 5 1/2 and just turned 3 on Saturday. You’re not alone on this one!

  2. My son is now 7 and your specific instructions bring back memories! I forgot we went through that exact same phase, although at the time you don’t really know it’s a phase, it seems like it will never end.

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