I’m avoiding you

Not on purpose … I’m writing for other people lately and by the time I get here I kind of want to yell and complain instead of share fun ideas or inspiration.

Not because writing for other people is going badly (quite the opposite) but there’s a lot going on in my head lately and no where for me to put it. So I’m avoiding you.

I’m going to try to get over that – it’s not your fault at all. I’ve started writing longhand in a journal again which is helping with the angst and feeling so stuck. So I get it all out and then wonder what else I have to share?

LOTS! I have been dreaming about a house again – it was a long while there where it felt like waiting was going to be our life and it might be for quite some time yet, we don’t know, but it’s also nice to feel the excitement of possibility again.

It feels like there are these huge paradigm shifts in life as we age and being so young yet (although having lived through so much) I’m sorta lost as to what’s next. For the first time in … oh? Forever? I don’t know what’s coming. Liberating yet completely fucks with your head.

I’m being a scaredy cat about it most of the time. Looking ahead, almost paranoid, waiting for what’s behind the corner. This is new. This is unnerving. This is life.

Maybe for the first time since high school, or leaving mine actually, I’m faced with figuring out what it is I want after-all. Graduated early, check. Enter workforce asap, check. Married, done. Kids, done and done. House, house and house … check, check and CHECK. Travel, check. Check check check! All of them check. Where in there was there ever time for figuring me out?

I took it, the time. I made time. By sideways glances at self reflection, certain therapies, weekends, books and conversations. I’ve found the time. But now I’m gifted with more of it – chunks of it and I have an amazing choice as to how I want to use it.

What do I want to be when I grow up? Or what am I, after growing up in me, and how do I make the most of it?

You see, now, why I’m avoiding you. There comes a time when aging through yourself needs to be done privately and not as a public spectacle. I’m just trying to grow up.

5 thoughts on “I’m avoiding you

  1. I like this. I feel like I am still trying to grow up too (@ 35 that’s a little embarrassing right?!) – I’m starting to think that *this* is just what life is about – there is no magical point where you suddenly feel like “I have arrived, my life has begun, I am a grown up now”, etc.
    And I am the ultimate avoider of posting when the big stuff is weighing on my mind! I think I am a little afraid of what may just come out…

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