Days and the hours that fill them are a beautiful blur, like a motion photo, from start to finish. I’ve been digesting books and articles that have made their way into my lap and after every one I look up and exhale.
There’s something sweet about realizing a collective of intelligent people are thinking like you, like me. That the very scary phrase we hold inside is being shouted from other platforms, waiting for our applause.
I’m going through a few books right now – some I went after, others literally showed up in my mailbox, and I had a bit of a personal revolution while turning pages.
A small sentence from Brene Brown’s “The gifts of imperfection” says “Worthy now.” As in, stop shoulding your value. You are worth it already.
A flip went off and I looked at myself in the mirror, naked; pointed out, again, the extra pounds I see and the marks of motherhood that make my stomach stretched with a pouch of afterbirth – that will always be with me. Afterbirth as in, this is me after birth. I think a girl is trained to see what’s wrong with her, because without a problem there’s just nothing to fix or get better at. There’s no work to be done, and who are we? if not a bunch of exhausting work.
I was full of sympathy eating this weekend as Aaron was recovering from his vasectomy. I didn’t know how else to help him so I shut up my fears with Hershey’s nuggets – and maybe no one else would be able to tell but I will punish myself for weeks, on the scale or in the gym, until I feel that those morsels have been removed.
During this endless self review – those words showed up on the page and I stopped. I stopped hating myself.
I felt beautiful in this skin, in all it’s curves and fullness. I moved around the house differently and started thinking about how much less work it’d be to dress myself if I wasn’t first putting on all my shame.
I get to make so many choices in my every day life. How I see myself, how accepting I’m willing to be in any given situation, if I’ll practice compassion – where my passions are going to lie today. What’s important right now, how to love my kids, the priorities of a household …
It’s odd that (and I’m not alone, vagina’s!) I would create this mental check list of how best to appear that I’m 2 shades away from glory when the reality is almost always I’m 2 breaths away from drowning.
Aren’t we all? Aren’t we all just figuring this out as we go. Some of us are more willing to make mistakes than others, some of us are more willing to say we’re sorry, some are incapable of connection while others are connection-addicts. I think there are levels to life – stages, doors – and that it’s detrimental to stand firmly in one and cast your net beyond your reach.
Just right now, let’s be this today.