It’s not too late.
I’ve had these phrases on my mind a lot lately – this one, and also “God is faithful”.
I’ve had this internal struggle about writing this because although I want to say these things, I’m a coward. Then I decided that if it was a letter to my kids, I would just tell them like it is. So.
Jessica and Oliver,
As you’ve been privy to the last few years in this family, you know these struggles first hand. The doubt, the fighting, the crying. We all played a part in this demise. No one knowing how to do this differently, we all kind of just ran into each other consistently and figured we’d stick at some point.
Our words would stick, our rules, our ideas. Our dreams and hopes for the future. Maybe even our hands. If we threw enough words at each other maybe we’d get stuck in the slime and just find a hand to hold.
This season has been a long one for me and your dad. A hard one. A dry one. A desert with very little water, no horizon. Marriage is hard, I’ve said it before and Jessica – I will remind you over and over again, your ice cream isn’t done yet. Do not share your spoon yet. Wait. Please wait.
But then a root finally found a soil to sink in and these phrases have been popping up – literally out of nowhere – on my mind, constantly.
I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be doing with this story of mine. I’m so sick of parts of it, I’m currently dealing with the outcome of so much of it, I’m just so at a loss for how to go forward most days …
And then I was at a bridal shower for a cousin this past weekend, barely knowing almost everyone in attendance, and all of a sudden there was a whisper “Jodi, it’s not too late.”
It’s not too late.
It’s not too late to love your kids the way you know you can. It’s not too late for them to feel it. It’s not too late for your marriage. It’s not too late for you. It’s not too late! It’s not too late for your faith, God is faithful. It’s not too late to figure this out. It’s not too late for you to love yourself. It’s not too late to let go. Jodi, it’s not too late to start praying for healing. Jodi, it’s not too late to let them in. It’s not too late to let him love you, it’s not too late to trust that he always will. It’s not too late.
It’s not too late ….
And I marinated in that all day yesterday, Mother’s Day. Surrounded by the very people who have reminded me time and again that I’m worth the work to love. That for them, it’s never too late.
I gave up on a lot of things this past year – myself included. A belief that keeping a family together was something I was capable of. I gave up believing in my immediate family, that something I held so completely sacred was something so completely flawed. I gave that away. I couldn’t do it any more, no more pretending and lying. I didn’t want to be part of that history anymore – but I had no where to go to find a new map.
I’ve felt very destroyed for a long time.
And I have a long ways to go yet, but it’s not too late for me. And God is faithful. Like water rushing over rough stones, the steady current smoothes the jagged edges … some day someone might see me and see a jewel like a child would collect the perfect river bed stones for safekeeping.
These are the lessons I want your heart to hold, kids. It’s never too late and God is faithful. Even if you give your ice cream away, Jessica and Oliver … even if. And especially then.
It’s going to be ok.