is it worth it?

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve come here to write and then I walk away. When I finish writing and read through it to proof – I’m always saddened by how many times the word “I” shows up.

There’s been a paradigm shift for me in the last 3 months. The last year will probably go on record as one of the most life changing for me to date. I’m not ready to put it into words and when I do, I’m not sure where I’ll put them. Maybe I’m supposed to talk to people face to face or just remain quiet a little while longer.

And while I enjoy the last year of Oliver being home before full time school, he demands more and more attention. Its frustrating when I have an editorial calendar that I want to keep up but a boy who just wants to build trains. I’m not always graceful in my choice (by any means) but I’ve been choosing him over the computer. A hard practice.

I went from being so busy that I needed to hire help to stopping everything, purposefully, to refocus on my family and settling into this house. One parent who is career minded and successful takes a toll on family dynamics, but two parents? I’m not being a martyr when I say that it’s not fair to my kids. It’s doable, many families make it work … but we learned that it doesn’t work in our family.

I can’t live a digital life that neglects my real one. I can’t write poetic about raising kids when I scream my head off half the time. I put my hopes and dreams here, I chronicle the fun, the magnificent, the beauty … because that’s what I want to remember. When Jessica googles her childhood – I want her to see the happiest of times, because that’s how I’ll remember it.

Yesterday in my Beth Moore Bible Study (The one on the Psalms of Accents) we dug in to what “yeast” means – literally in Hebrew it means sour. It’s a corruption. We were discussing The Passover and the Feast of Unleavened bread (which means no yeast) and what that really meant. How literal and wholly they understood the meaning of the words, traditions etc. In our culture it’s easy to take out of the Bible what’s convenient for us – not having the heritage or knowledge to really unpack the significance of most of what we read. (In my own practice, from my perspective.)

Basically this is what I took away, the cliff notes version: The Passover was directly followed by the Feast of Unleavened bread (an 8 day, total, custom … Passover being the first day, the last 7 were for the Feast of Unleavened Bread) and how I gathered it, those seven days were meant to cleanse our bodies and our souls of the corruption.

And it went on to describe what happens when we “save a little sin” and just cover it up. Am I talking in chinese? This meant so much to me.

I’ve been there- going through the process of cleaning out the corruption, of being raw and real. It’s a practice I take very seriously – one that started when I was a teenager and learning the lessons of lies. I didn’t want to have to keep track of who I told what version of the truth to, so I just started telling the truth.

But I’ve always saved a little bit of the lie, a little bit of the sin, a little piece of the whole picture. Because what’s this little bit going to do? This fantasy is safe for me to keep. This part of the puzzle, I’m not willing to let that go. It keeps me safe and comfortable, I like to think.

It’s a house of cards and it’s detrimental to me to keep so many of these pieces hidden. Not that I have to shout them to the world, either. I just have to be who I am.

Be who you are.

Great things are waiting for the real you.

4 thoughts on “is it worth it?

  1. I can’t quite figure out my words, but yes. All yes.

    And I think it can be worth it too, but not at the expense of the family. And if that means I have to hold out on my long terms plans until my little ones are out of the house (whether it’s school or for good), well – so be it.

  2. thanks, Jodi.

    I do not think you grasp how ‘right-on’ you are and the fact you are willing to uncover your ‘hidings’ so to speak…makes me respect you even that much more. And challenges me to shed light on my own ‘hidings.’

    your authenticity humbles me.

  3. How on earth did I miss this post? So good. And the past year of growth and change? You aren’t the only one who has noticed it šŸ™‚ You’re on a journey, that’s for sure. My best advice – let even that little bit go. That total freedom is yours for the taking, lady.

  4. I’m trying šŸ˜‰ there are a few doors that just need to slam shut, a few small attic spaces that need a lock with no key. A well that needs water …

    I really want to let them all go. I’m working on it.

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