Snip-its

There’s a small clay dish made by Jessica in my kitchen and in it I’ve written a few phrases, affirmations, little cheers … I don’t always dip my hand it in and see what I wrote but once in awhile I remember it’s there and I dig around until I pull one out. The other day before hosting my first Book Club meeting with an amazing group of women it said “Write this down, never forget this feeling.”

So I wrote it down … and at the end it sounded like this; “I think I jumped. This: feels like flying.”

I journal 3 pages every morning and then through out the day as I’m working, I write long-handed and write poetry and I started painting today.

Painting

I definitely feel like an impostor in this creative space, who do I think I am? That I can paint or draw? It’s so elementary. Not good enough. It doesn’t look like it does in my mind and I realize I could quietly quit. I don’t have to take photos of the process and share them. I don’t have to do this at all.

But I want to. And even when I don’t want to, I can’t stop thinking about it. So I have to.

Painting

I’m not sure when my studio will be ready for me to work in there, but it’s on the horizon. And I’m taking classes and over time I might be more comfortable here. This foreign land of emotion meets effects.

I shared this on facebook and thought it was timely so I wanted to share this here too:

When your heart has been breaking for a really long time and you dissolve yourself into believing that it won’t get any better: that you’re not worth more than what you seem to be getting … and you start fighting for it: That’s the leap, get ready for the free fall.

This, the free fall, and the popular phrases like “Leaning in” used to make me really uncomfortable. Because I got it, but wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t allowed to lean in. The whole Trust situation of the free fall was out of bounds.

I’ve been really encouraged lately, mostly in the silence. Some times I can get all jacked up on feedback and then I start doing things because of the feedback, not because it’s where I’m going or want to. I feel completely naked in a high school auditorium – but this time around? I’m dancing anyway.

Painting

naked on paper

Where’s my people? I want to hear you. What are you doing lately? Where’s your mess?

4 thoughts on “Snip-its

  1. So cool that you’re entering the creative space! And I remember that dream photo – naked painting when we barely knew each other. i love you!

  2. I’ve been doing a lot of sewing and baking of late–but those are just distractions. A means to avoid the leap, afraid of the free fall. Then this book, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle, pops out at me from the thrift store…and I devoured it! Have you read it? For whatever reason, it has re-awakened that writer/artist part of me that I have been deliberately squelching doing projects that I deemed more worthy because of their more tangible results. (Spending time Sewing a pair if shorts seemed much more “acceptable” than merely writing words or drawing lines.

    I hope you keep on dancing…no matter your costume (or lack thereof!) ;). XO

  3. I haven’t, but I’m looking it up šŸ™‚ I love book recommendations. I also LOVE LOVE LOVE how you called those tangible results distractions. Yes. So much yes. Oh the things (even creative things!) we do to avoid the leap. And once we take the leap those same things still serve a purpose in our creative lives, they’re just not sustaining it any more – they now become the supplement. And, we should have coffee soon. I hope I keep dancing, too. (And hope you do as well!)

    XOXO

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