The past few nights I’ve had a terrible hard time putting Jessica in her own bed for the night. Actually, I have a hard time when it comes time for me to go to bed and all I want to do is pick her up and take her with me.
The sweet smell of her feather hair and her baby breathing in my ear all night long. I just can’t seem to think that when I’m laying on my death bed I will have thought that the schedule was more important than the moments of sweet slumber with my child in my arms.
The schedule is my friend, I love the schedule. But what a bitch consitency is. And it’s not the habbit of a family bed I’m afraid of, because I know the dangers involved, but I can’t shake the feeling of utter desperation when I go to bed - the yearning I’m experiencing, it must be love. A love so strong, a love so powerful that I can’t put words to it’s justice.
Sometimes I think about life without Jessica - and although there are certain freedoms that come with that - I feel devestated at the thought. My heart literally breaks at the thought. And all those times my parents said they would do anything for me, die for me, jump infront of a moving truck for me - I knew they meant it, but I didn’t understand it. And now I do.
My heart is beating for the breath of Jessica.
I can’t help but think about my dad at times like this. I knew he loved me with so much of his soul that he could feel my pain when I didn’t know I was hurting. And I know with my soul now, that he’s feeling my pain because I am hurting. I wake up everyday and go on with life like a stranger to the world I thought I would live in until he could see my daughters getting married. I don’t think I’ve really dealt with the death of my pappy - I’ve “moved on” and kept a strong front, I’ve embraced motherhood and kept busy keeping house.
The naked truth is, a little part of me is slowly dieing each day that passes in his wake. A small portion of my ability to keep going is ebbing away at my soul. I miss him so much. And to think if the situation was reversed, if he had outlived me. I cannot imagine what his soul or state of mind would be. A parents love for their children is a testament to the ability of selflessness.
One day when you read this Jessica, may it be when you have your own babies or you’ve turned 16 or you just want to hear again the story of your birth and the miracle surrounding you - be reminded that with every cell of life in my body, every single molecule - I love you 10 times that, plus one.
posted on July 27, 2005| 12:17 AM EST
Vacation was so much fun. We had a blast, I wasn’t completely ready to come home yet. I’ll get some photos online shortly, until then though - a few highlights/mishaps worth noting:
Jessica, Aaron and I went to Nooksak falls again, and I think Jessica remembered them from March. Thankyouverymuch. It was beautiful of course and the weather was great. We did have rain a few days, but other wise it was sunny and warm, but not too warm.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY UNCLE COLTON!
We stayed with my Aunt Ranae and family, actually in an apartment above their offices - so we had our own place. It was ideal. One of the not so glamourous moments was when Jessica fell out of a shopping cart onto the floor in a store.
Yeah. You might have to read that one again.
Fell out of a shopping cart. FELL. OUT. OF. A. SHOPPING. CART.
I had taken her out of her car seat because she was fussy and restless so I thought I’d hold her while I was browsing, well there happened to be something I wanted to inspect further - so I put her back in her seat for a second to bend over and peer at this item - next thing I know, out of the corner of my eye, my child is flying to the ground.
Then the screaming started and the tears and my heart ripping in two.
Thankfully she fell flat on her stomach, only getting a small rug burn on her chin. Nothing else happened. THANK YOU JESUS! And other than being scared, she didn’t seem to be effected. Me on the other hand, I’ll never forget the terror of the moment, the absolute horror of seeing my baby fall from 4 feet off the ground.
My aunt was with me, and since she has 3 boys, this has happened to her before - she talked me through it and made sure we were both OK. The real mistake came when I called Aaron and TOLD HIM OVER THE PHONE.
LADIES - DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT give the father of your children this kind of news OVER THE FREAKING PHONE.
And that’s all I’ll say about that.
We celebrated my grandparents 50th wedding anniversary and took family photos, spent an afternoon at the Bay, went to Fairhaven (town), explored the local town of Lynden and drove around and through Bellingham. To mention a few.
It was a great vacation. There are many more to come!!
posted on July 15, 2005| 9:21 PM EST
I ran and finished the Patriot’s Day 5K in Grand Haven this morning! I was 12 place in my age group and 278th place over all (hee hee). I ran 12:58 minute:second miles and did the entire 5K in 40:15 minutes:seconds. Thankyouverymuch. I did it!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will be participating in the upcoming Grand Haven Coast Gaurd Festival 5K as well, held on July 30. I’m hoping to improve my time by 4 minutes, which I think is doable because I walked a few minutes this time, and I plan to jog/run the whole thing on July 30.
Tomorrow morning Aaron, Jessica and I leave for a week of VACATION!!! That’s right people, VACATION. And we’re SO looking forward to the break and a bit of relaxation. So - needless to say, this site will be enjoyably neglected for atleast that long, maybe longer.
Sinara.
posted on July 4, 2005| 5:17 PM EST