When did we grow up?

I have very vivid dreams, always have, so my girlfriend wasn’t surprised to get a detailed description of my dream this morning. Full of details, names of people we knew back in high school and all the drama that ensued. Brené Brown made an appearance in this dream, even. Along with a rival from high school who always wanted what I had.

And after we recounted the bizarre from my dream – we lamented how much we miss spending time together and I asked “When did we grow up?”

How is it that suddenly we struggle to find time to carve out for some of the most important relationships? I’ve been thinking a lot about it. I think it’s because my kids grew up. I’ve taken a back seat in how willing I am to parade in front of them, because it’s their turn. I have a weird relationship with wanting to share my life but not blurring the lines into sharing theirs without their knowledge or consent. My experience as their mother is so personal to me, sometimes so raw, and while I’d like to be open about it; if I’m not discussing it out loud first, then I can’t be disclosing it in the echoing room of Instagram.

We’re all over the place for their schedules and activities, we tend to their social lives constantly and once in a while we carve out the time we once had for our own social lives and relationships. They go to bed later, so inevitably … we do, too. But more often, we’re going to bed when they do. Because we are exhausted. So the time we carve out becomes the negotiation of schedules and wants and needs of our immediate family: date night is just a pretty way of saying “the parents need to vote on all the children’s proposals for the next month.”

And I wouldn’t trade a day of it for anything. I absolutely love having older kids, as hard as it’s been to get me here. I love my family. I love having a teenage daughter and watching, with delight, on the sidelines as she navigates high school and relationships and making choices.

I didn’t know I’d love it this much. If you’ve been here long enough you might remember how hard it was when my kids were the ages I was when trauma happened in my life. It was a lucid dream sensation of reliving my own trauma but watching them flourish in something so much different, so much better, so much more stable. There was mourning for my younger self right along side championing my babies towards wholeness and growth through the hard stuff.

And now my oldest is a teenager. And such a beautiful one, at that. I don’t care if I’m that mom who has doe eyes for her kid until they’re 97. She’s magnificent and so ridiculously loved. We have hard days, she has mood swings. We bicker and yell, I’ve been known to lay on top of her to quiet a tantrum. We’re normal, whatever that is. But, GOD! We are normal. There’s normal in my life. I get to experience the redeeming love of commitment and the safe harbor of family. It is such a gift, for me.

Even if my tribe is much smaller than I could have ever imagined it would turn out to be. I can’t stop thinking about how getting to this place of peace feels like the first breath you take after being held underwater by someone stronger than you. It’s intoxicating at first, being so thirsty for air. But then there’s this weightless sensation of being free to negotiate your own body in the water, up the steps, out of the pool.

You kind of float.

When did we grow up? I think slowly and over a long period of time. But I also think instantly, and constantly. In the stolen glances as we watch our children achieve the things that are never guaranteed.

And I don’t take any of it for granted. I get to be here, I get to live this life with them. Of all the things I could have imagined for my life: they are far and wide the most precious piece of me. I get to do this. I get to watch them grow up, too.

Here’s to life

Today marks the 15th year since my dad died. He had lung cancer, diagnosed about 17 months before the cancer took his life. In those 17 months of knowing he was going to die, he really lived.

Number ONE!

And so did I. I got engaged just before his diagnosis, then married, and when he died, I was pregnant with our first child, a daughter. We had just found out she was a girl, it was one of the last lucid conversations I had with him. Told him I was having a baby girl, what we planned to name her (at the time, which isn’t her name now). He was in his hospital bed in the living room next to the windows and all this natural light was flooding the house. Everything was brighter those last few months. I, of course, didn’t live at home anymore, so I was visiting sitting on his bed next to him and we watched the ultrasound video together. We both cried. I knew the hardest ending of my life was coming and in the midst of it, the very best beginning was already on her way.

Four and half months after he died, I gave birth in the middle of the night. There was almost no light in the room. I wore my dad’s watch and my mom was in the room with us. She came out perfect and I later learned the cord was wrapped around her neck. In those moments I didn’t know how serious it was that she get out NOW, my doctors were patient and careful with me. Everyone in the room knew why it felt heavy … and then all of a sudden she cried. My mom was crying, Aaron was crying, my breath was taken away, she was here! She was here. She was finally here, with me.

Jessica meets Pappy

Those first few months and years are really blurry in love and pain. Grief is a weird salve, life is often a great distraction. But I can’t help but wonder if in those four and half months after he died and my daughter was still in the womb, did they know each other? I know how that sounds, and it’s ok. I’ve made peace with where my grief goes sometimes. But she’s always known who Pappy is. She has always known her grandpa. As a very little girl, she would have dreams about him. I used to think it was because we kept him alive for so long, in memory. We would talk about him and tell her stories and remember what it was like when he was with us. But then, 3 1/2 years later our son came and he did the same thing.

Some of the most important men in my life

Life hasn’t turned out how I thought it would when he was still walking the earth with us to listen to my hopes and dreams. In a lot of ways, it’s better, in other ways, it’s just different. New, undiscovered. Things I hadn’t even known I could hope or dream for are now my life and I credit most of that awareness to the time spent with him. To being a student of his life. Watching him love, and hunger for living.

He was well enough to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, with my birth-father. I had both of my dad’s flank me as I walked towards Aaron on a beautiful August afternoon.

Given away

364 days later he died.

That was 5,478 days ago.

I’ve missed him every single one.

But here’s to life: to learning how to live with no regrets, how to be generous in our love, time and efforts and to always picking up the check. To letting the people you love know, often, how much they mean to you. To chasing every dead end road we can find. To doing the weird thing, like packing it in to a motor home or camper for 6 weeks and traveling the country. Why? The answer is always, always: Why not?

Why not live this messy life wild? Why not capture each emotion on a mountain top? Why not take hundreds of photographs that maybe only ever take your own breath away, but make you remember what it’s like to be breathless? Why not say yes? Why not say no? Why not?

In the fifteen years of time passed since Wayne walked here with us – my grief rounded her edges, my writing found a rhythm, my heart softened towards love, and my regrets and mistakes that held me hostage have lost their teeth.

Now instead of being sad that he isn’t here, I am so, so thankful that he WAS at all. Whatever he was for me, I started to wonder what I was, we were, for him. And I have so much happiness in knowing that we were actually everything.

We sure were lucky to have him, but he left totally fulfilled. Maybe early, but ready.

And damn it, if there was ever a way to go. That’s it.

My dad and I

An Icelandic stopover and The Blue Lagoon

We left Copenhagen at 10pm and got to Raycevick, Iceland around 11:30 or so (there was a time change, we went through so many time changes. Not only traveling but then we also went through Denmark’s “daylight savings time” in the middle of the trip. If we were worried about jetlag, we shouldn’t have been. Nothing made sense ever, we just woke up and ate when our bodies told us to. It all worked out, somehow.)

Iceland is set-up so well for these stop-overs. Or long layovers with connecting flights, it’s actually quite something. But because of the time we got into the airport – our hotel didn’t have transportation for us, so we hired a taxi and got to our hotel where we were able to get into our room without a hitch and all fall asleep. Hard.

It was the best night of sleep, ever. We stayed at the Geo Hotel for the night and were able to get a free breakfast and free transit to the Blue Lagoon the next day.

If an Icelandic stopover is part of your trip at any point, I would suggest doing all the research and booking the appropriate things as soon as you can. I knew we were going to do the Blue Lagoon but waited until we were in Copenhagen to book anything. It worked out, there isn’t any cost saving tips – Iceland is expensive, period. So be aware of that. Just know what you want to do and commit. I kept looking at other options and trying to make the most of our 18 hours in Iceland and finally had to just tell myself we were only going to be able to see one thing well.

The Blue Lagoon is amazing, Iceland is this other worldly experience. And I’m so glad we did and saw this. I honestly don’t think I ever need to go back, not because I didn’t like it, but had we not had a stop-over, I would have never chosen to go to Iceland on our own. I’m so glad we ended our trip this way, though. It was the perfect ending.

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

You need to book a reservation for your party at The Blue Lagoon ahead of time. You can spend as much time as you want there (average time spent is about 4 hours) but if you’re reservation is for 9am and you stay until they close, it doesn’t cost any more or less. The reservation system is just to keep the locker rooms from being over crowded.

There are different packages available for you to purchase when you make a reservation but we stuck with the “Comfort” package which included a locker (which locked), a face mask for each person, and one drink for patrons over 14. Our son was free to swim because of his age so if he wanted a drink (they serve smoothies, pop and alcohol) we just needed to purchase that separately. You also get a wristband which is pre-loaded with your freebies and then connected to your reservation/locker/credit card. So if we wanted more of anything while we were in the lagoon we just scanned our bracelet and settled up when we were all done for the day.

We all enjoyed our face masks, free drinks, and a couple of us decided for an additional drink. Champagne? Yes. I signed up for that, thank you.

You bet I did. Those bubbles did everything they’ve ever promised me, in my adult life.

Once we were done soaking and trying the saunas we decided it would be a good idea to get out and eat something before we headed back to the airport for our last leg of the trip home.

We had some time before the shuttle bus to the airport came (which you need a reservation for, so book this ahead of time, also) and we used that time to explore just a little more.

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

The Blue Lagoon

We flew home, all our flights for this trip were with Icelandic Air, which I cannot recommend more. It was seamless and a wonderful experience. Especially traveling with kids. Arriving in Chicago was euphoric. Reading street signs, driving a car, smelling the familiar air … and coming home to a place that, without a doubt, feels like home was beautiful.

I can’t explain what this trip was for our family. Years in the making, dreaming and planning. And we had no idea that when we planned and booked our tickets for the trip it would be bookended by one of the biggest decisions we would ever make.

It’s been hard to translate this for people when we get asked about this trip. We don’t need to go back to Copenhagen, we’ve already been. There are places in the world I love to go back to. Towns, houses, memories I want to visit over and over again. Copenhagen is more of a tide change in our lives than a vacation. It was an experience. An opening to the rest of the world for our kids. It was the beginning.

And what’s next? I have no idea, but it’s ahead of us. Not behind us.

Malmö, Sweden // A train ride away from Copenhagen

We were well over half-way through our trip and feeling ready to be home by this point. We had seen so much, caught our breath, and were ready for a little normal in our lives but before we headed home we decided to take the train to Sweden for a day trip.

I almost didn’t take my camera along, I was feeling the travel fatigue of capturing everything and staying on top of documenting the trip but I’m so glad I grabbed it at the last minute. Malmö is full of green space. There are parks (and beautiful ones, at that) everywhere.

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

We made our way towards Malmohus, another castle (they’re everywhere!) and stumbled upon a cafe in the garden looking for a public bathroom.

Oh man, you guys. The best meatballs I’ve had in my life.

Malmö, Sweden

We just got a snack to share, and thankfully Aaron and our daughter picked the meatballs. I grabbed a glass of red wine and a round of Coke’s for the table and we sat there in the middle of this garden eating the best meatballs in the world while listening to the chatter and birds and being bathed in the blooms that surrounded us. It was something else. If this was the only thing I saw or did in Sweden, I was a fan.

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

But we didn’t stay there, we walked all over and did some shopping, too. We were on the hunt for souvenirs to take home and just didn’t find what we were looking for (or what we wanted to pack and travel home with). Malmö has some great shops in the Davidshall area.

Our son wanted his photo taken with this windmill, which I happily turned in to a mini-shoot with him. We actually saw quite a few windmills and having one right in our backyard in Holland, Mi made this all the more fun.

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

Malmö, Sweden

We visited the Library, more parks, and found some statues before heading back to Copenhagen for the night.

Copenhagen Spring Break 2019

Copenhagen Spring Break 2019

Copenhagen Spring Break 2019

We had one more day to adventure in Copenhagen and possibly saved the best for last …

Tivoli Gardens of Copenhagen

The day had finally arrived! Tivoli Gardens opened for the season while we were in Copenhagen and we were there with bells on.

Tivoli Gardens

Um, let’s discuss this place for a minute, yes? It was magic. People say that Walt Disney was inspired by Tivoli and this was a big influence on the development of Disney World. I have to say – being there and seeing it with my own eyes, I can very much see the similarities. Only Tivoli doesn’t have characters walking around everywhere and this made my heart so happy. I am not a character kind of person, we went to Disney one time (when our daughter turned 5 so she could meet Ariel, yes, we have always been this extra) and we almost left the state of Florida divorced. We were not fans. Mostly of traveling in January with a 5 year old and 18 month old for a whole week with nothing to do and our hotel pool was closed. So. Different time of life … it schooled us hard in how not to go about traveling and our expectations and keeping our word to a five year old. But I digress.

Tivoli Gardens

Tivoli was amazing and if you’re planning a trip to Copenhagen during their open season, I cannot recommend this enough for an entire day. From the outside, it doesn’t look like anything special – it’s right next to Copenhagen’s Central Station and there’s a gate or a wall surrounding the entire thing (it’s a whole city block) but once you enter and the gardens open up to you and you hear water and see endless flowers and pockets of magic little details, you would never think you’re in the middle of a large city.

Tivoli Gardens

The kids both said this was the highlight of the trip for them. It was so much fun, roller coasters are the thrill ride I never tire of. We ate lunch at home and then spent the rest of our day being enchanted at Tivoli. Peacocks roam freely, you guys. Peacocks.

Tivoli Gardens

The rides were one thing, and we got our moneys worth on the rides, but there were also gardens to walk through and apparently a petting zoo (we never even made it to one part of the park!) and my favorite restaurant in all the land, Gemyse.

Tivoli Gardens

Tivoli Gardens

Tivoli Gardens

A greenhouse, fire pits to roast marshmallows, topiaries made out of kale, lemonade served with mint leaves and drinks by the fire. I will not ever shut up about this place.

Tivoli Gardens

The flowers and trees were just starting to burst in bloom and there were so many delightful little things to sink our teeth into. We even got Aaron on a couple rides and I’ll never forget how instead of screaming, my daughter just giggles like a babbling brook on rides. Like rushing water over smooth stones, her joy was as pure as it gets and it baptized me all over again.

Copenhagen Spring Break 2019

Tivoli Gardens

Tivoli Gardens

Tivoli Gardens

We left tired, full and happy. And other than using public transportation for the rest of our trip – this was the last sight we saw using our Copenhagen Cards.

Tomorrow we were headed to Sweden!