Props to Heather Armstrong, AKA www.dooce.com

That’s right, a whole post giving props to the writer I simply admire most. I would, someday, like to throw reckless abandonment to the wind and write as freely and openly as she does.

I hold alot in when I post because I know certain people are reading my site, and certain people could be affected by what I write, or even offended. But at the same time – although I want to respect certain issues, while they may be issues for some of my readers, they’re not an issue for me – I don’t want to have to hold back.

I’ve been a faithful reader of dooce.com for over 3 years now. It’s almost impossible for me to be online and NOT check her site. Dooce has given me alot of help in being comfortable with exactly who I am and what I believe in.

Right now the way Heather Armstrong is taking care of herself and her family is so admirable. She’s being honest with herself, her family and her fears, hell; she’s being honest with the entire world.

I myself have struggled with depression, a serious disease, of a different sort than dooce, since I was 14 years old. I’ve seen many a counselors and I’ll probably see many more. I look forward to revisiting some of the dooce archives after child birth to get some perspective on postpartum depression, I might even email her myself and ask for some resources.

The point is people, I support dooce.com wholeheartedly regardless of her swearing, and despite her obvious disgust with mormon religion. From where I stand, she’s taking better care of her family and daughter in exploring her options for better health and mental well being and that’s a gift too many of us forget to give.

So if for some reason, dooce/Heather and or Jon, you stumble on this post – I completely admire your honestly and what you’re doing. I hope you’re on the road to a better and happier life and I’m thinking of you.

Ultrasound Update

The ultrasound was wonderful. Everything is normal and as it should be. Four chambers of the heart, kidneys, stomach, swallowing reflex, fingers, toes, complete brain, aeorta artery, spine, hip bones,thigh bones, femurs, upper and lower arm bones, and the most beautiful face I’ve ever seen.

The baby has good size feet for the age so far, which was, I have to tell you alittle disappointing. I was hoping I would give it my tiny feet. But it doesn’t look that way right now. His/her feet messure at an inch long and the torso through the top of the head is only 6 inches. My baby has gigantuous feet! But they’re so cute.

The umbilical cord is pumping inside there, which I guess I knew because it’s carrying blood, it’s logical that it would be pumping … but it’s really pumping. Ba-bump, Ba-bump, BA-bump. Kinda like a heart. It was really cool to see.

so many more months to go before I can hold and meet my baby, I’m getting really anxious for it to be here, now. I just want to count the toes and the fingers, and kiss that little head and see those eyes looking at me and Aaron. I just can’t wait!

Ultrasound duece

Today we have our routine ultra sound. 20-22 weeks pregnant. I think I’m on the 20 to 21 week side. I really haven’t kept track of weeks, it’s not a useful system.

Anyway, normally people will find out the sex of their baby today depending on posistioning and whatnot … but we’re not normal so we’re going to pass up that surprise killer.

Maybe we’ll finally get around to scanning the first ultrasound photos along with today’s newer ones and post them up here for y’all to ogle. Thats a big maybe though, what with all the packing and the moving and the kicking my bladder … I don’t have much free time. And any free time I do find, you guessed it, I’m usually peeing so … you know, not so glamorous.

However, this morning I’ll be partaking in a little modeling if you will, some true glamour. My place of work is working along side some other organizations to support Women in Transition here in Holland. And we’re going to be modeling some clothes, everyone in a different stage of life, hence my pregnant state, to help raise money for Women in Transition.

I’ve never actually modeled, I know, I know – I’m surprised by this too. But Abercrombie and Fitch just couldn’t make their offer attractive to myself and my agent, so we passed on the whole mostly naked world recognition thing and I’ve assumed a more modest lifestyle. (Which means I wear clothes, and they cover my netherands.)

But I’m excited about this morning. I even did my hair, and if Aaron is reading this at any time during the day, he will gasp. I DID MY HAIR! but there’s more, I’m wearing (a very small amount) of MAKE-UP. COULD IT BE!?!?!? We’ll have to get some before and after pictures of this transformation for you to see, it is amazing. I look like a girl.

To my pappy:

Mom is keeping us updated on your health and she’s recently told us that if there was something we wanted to say, we better say it. Tonight she called to let us know you’ve declined since the 24 hours we’ve last seen you.

At first I thought I had said everything I wanted to say, that I love you and I’m going to miss you more than you know. But then I started thinking and even though I may have told you before, I haven’t told you lately … and I wanted to be sure you knew.

Pappy, daddy, dad, Wayne and you old frog …

Thank you. Thank you so much for being who you are. You’ve taught me and shown me so many things. Unconditional love was second nature to you and I can’t thank you enough for the oppertunities you’ve brought to us and the memories you’ve made with us.

I love you dad – I’m so afraid of you not being here for me to talk to. I’m scared that I’ll forget you in 10 or 20 years, I’m scared that my baby will miss out on one of the most important people in my life.

Who’s going to dance with me on my birthday? It was our tradition, you and me , butterfly kisses in the background, tears in our eyes … just dancing.

Oh, pappy – my heart hurts so much, I used to think you were crazy when you used that expretion but I get it now, I get alot of things now. Like what you meant when you said, I’d understand one day, or that I’ll grow up fast enough so take it slow, enjoy the ride.

Do you remember mentos? Oh, I think I’ve eaten those right out of style. Every Sudnay we’d stop at Clark gas station and get a mentos for church. Jill and I liked the fruity ones and you and mom got the cinnamon. You even used to put them in my lunch so I wouldn’t forget you were thinking about me during the day. I was definitely center of the “trade ya my fruit rollup or swiis cake roll for your mentos?!?!” at lunch time.

There’s so much more to say but at the same time there’s nothing to say at all.

Would you dance with me one more time, pappy?

There’s two things I know for sure
She was sent here from Heaven
And she’s daddys little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh but most of all

For butterlfy kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin little white flowers all up in her hair
Walk beside the pony dady
It’s my first ride
I know the cake looks funny daddy
But i sure tried
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
TO deseve a hug every mornin
And butterfly kisses at night

Sweet 16 today
She’s lookin like her mama
A little more every day
One part woman
The other part girl
To perfume and mke up
From ribbons and curls
Trying her wongs out in a great big world
But I remember

Butterlfy kisses after bedtime prayer
Stickin little white flowers all up in her hair
You know how much I love you dady
But if you don’t mind
I’m only gonna kiss you on the check this time
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I muct have done something right
To deserve her love every mornin
And butterfly kisses at night

All the precious time
Like the wind the years go by
Precious Butterfly
Spread yuor wings and fly

She’ll change her name today
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her aways
Standing in the bride room just starin at her
She asked me what I’m thinkin
And I said I’m not sure
I just feel like I’m loosin my baby girl
And she leaned over

And gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there
Stickin little white flowers all up in her hair
Walk me down the isle daddy
It’s just about time
Does my wedding gown look pretty daddy?
Daddys don’t cry
Oh with all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve her love every mornin and butterfly kisses
I couldn’t ask GOd for more than this is what love is
I know I’ve got to let her go but I’ll always remember
Every hug in the mornin and butterly kisses

1/2 way there

I’m officially a little over half way through this pregnancy. So far depsite fainting and minor complications I’ve had an awesome pregnancy and have loved being pregnant.

I am getting anxious to hold this little person though. I keep envisioning sitting on the couch with this little body all curled up in the nape of my neck, breathing and making noises. I get goose bumps waiting for it.

The baby is moving a considerable amount of the time, and depending on how patient you are, you can even feel it kick. Aaron has enjoyed being able to experience this pregnancy more and more through feeling the baby and going to the doctors appointments and grilling me on whats going on at certain stages.

It’s been fun and I’m sad thats it’s more than half over, but I’m really excited to experience the next few months and stages of pregnancy and even more excited that I’m that much closer to holding our baby.