How I get through it, right now

I’ve been open on this website about my history of depression and how proactive we were when we were pregnant with Jessica, thinking I would have a bout of postpartum depression. I didn’t, and we counted our blessings. I did go through the “baby blues” which for me, were nothing compared to what I know depression to be in my own life. It was an emotional few weeks getting used to a baby and learning how to feed her and sleep on such a whacked out schedule but I never felt desperate or like there was no hope. I never felt like I was drowning.
I had read that postpartum depression can develop any time in the first year of life and when Jessica’s birthday came and went I said a prayer of thanks … too soon. Something changed right around her birthday and I thought to myself – uh oh. Problem is I kept having good days, OK days and thought that I just needed to get a grip. I needed to get over it or try harder.
It’s been mounting for the past 2 years and this past week I finally made the call to my doctor to start my med’s again. I made the call on Wednesday and they told me I’d have to see the doctor first, which I was expecting – but when they called me back that afternoon and told me that after speaking to the nurse who knows my history they were calling in a prescription for me, I started to cry.
And then Thursday I get the call that my Grandma isn’t doing very well, they don’t expect her to make it through the weekend – so I went to visit her for what would be the very last time. It was like looking at my dad while I knew he was dieing – I didn’t think my Grandma was going to make it through the night and it turns out I was right. She passed away at 11:38 Thursday evening.
Had I not made the call to start my med’s I can tell you, almost positively, that this past week would have forced me to admit myself into the hospital. I just needed a break, a day or weekend where someone else took care of me. Time to think, to process, to deal. Fortunately relief came in the form of medicine that I know, full well, will lift the fog and open a path to healing for me.

3 thoughts on “How I get through it, right now

  1. I’m so sorry to hear about your Grandma Jodi! What a hard week with your Mom and everything too. Hang in there. Medication is wonderful šŸ™‚ It gets me through each day that’s for sure!

  2. good for you for making the call, it can be hard to do. if you need someone to take care of you for a day i’m available!! i’m also available for a pedicure anytime you want to go! call me if you need something!!

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