Piggy back

A few days ago I was thinking back through my journey to health physically, emotionally, mentally. I re-read my journal for some insight and I’m reading through some great books by Christiane Northrup. In my town and family I often feel “weird” for taking such a dedicated approach to figuring this stuff out for my self and my kids’ futures as adults. Having a healthy, whole mother is probably the best thing a woman can give her child yet it’s almost always the last thing we think of. Why?
Lately I stay awake into the wee hours of the night just writing – poetry, thoughts, ideas. I feel like something woke up inside me and this door I’m carefully opening is going to blast wide in the wind and break me free. And I’m not scared of it, I’m not scared of myself. Things are going to happen, things will probably be said – not all good – I’ll have to work through this, too, but I am just tired of accepting what others think of me as my best to be my very best. Most of what I feel people think of me isn’t even me, it’s just something I let them believe and I became for them because it would be easier for them that way. It’s made me a doormat that didn’t know it was dirty.
I’m talking vaguely about a few relationships in particular here – ones that are vastly changing on a daily basis because of my conscious actions to do so. There are certain things that will never be the way they once were. And living in the shadow of those times, memories, or people … hurts us all, but for me – it’s a tepid, indifferent water I wade in day after day. Not too bad, not too good. Just there, wading … still wading, and still waiting. And this is just me saying it “out loud” so it’s out there – but I’ve started treading the deeper waters, the warm waters … the waters where you no longer hold me down.
And it’s magnificent.

One thought on “Piggy back

  1. I had the same insistence inside of me when I became a mother. I needed to be whole, to take back all the pieces that weren’t being strengthened and empowered by the people around me. Our children’s futures are too precious to leave to chance, habit, or casual ignorance.
    Good luck on your journey!

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