I want to be stronger than this, I’m just not yet

Bleh, cough, gag and SPIT. Verbal vomit here we come.
Here’s the thing. Public Service Announcement aside, I’m all over the place. Caught between two versions of myself and trying to decide which is more me when really – neither one is MORE me, I am all of this, wrapped up in a nice little package with a bow and probably some awesome paper, too.
The freedom I feel on this website, through writing and expression and then the box and pressure I feel I’m in and under outside of this website are clashing and fighting like a cock fight. It’s bloody.
I’m a spiritual gal. I love having Faith and praising and going to church. I just don’t think I fit into the same box or under the same “name” as my entire community. This is where it hurts the most. I have a pull on me like no other to be transparent and open, to be what ever it is that is inside me right now, every moment. To be present. Yet I know that by doing this I risk so many other things. Like the way people think of me.
Uh yeah. I know. Who the hell cares? I wish I didn’t. I really did. I have my moments of the big middle finger to society and I just walk the path less traveled – but then I get all scared and lonely and decide to sit down for a while and rest and before I even know it I’m back in the same old crowd, walking the same old path and shrinking with every step.
I guess it’s hard to be so transparent and authentic when I don’t see that around me. I don’t see the scars of other people, I don’t see the ugly in the world. I don’t really even see the beauty. I see the picture of perfect that our neighbors portray – that our friends serve for dinner, that our families lie in.
I’m not unhappy either. This isn’t a discussion around my emotional state. It’s a statement about my literal surroundings, the pool I swim in.
Am I Mother? Am I Wife? Am I Daughter? Am I Sister? Am I Friend? Am I Writer? Am I Kick-Ass? Am I Scared? Am I Wandering? Am I Different?
Or am I Same?
What’s worse?

3 thoughts on “I want to be stronger than this, I’m just not yet

  1. Oh girl, I am so right there with you. I struggle every time I blog. “Can I write this? If I do what will *this person* and *that person* think of me?” Delete, Delete, Delete. Don’t post. It’s a constant struggle with what I want to write and what I feel I can write. But this doesn’t just end in the blog but in my every day life. I know what you mean when you say you wish you didn’t care but we’re human and we long to be accepted.
    I wish I could tell you to just be you and screw everyone else but then that would be me not taking my own advice. I don’t know what to say. I guess I just want you to know that you’re not alone and I really do love every facet that is JODI!

  2. This is the exact reason why I almost started an anonymous blog. πŸ™‚ Actually – if only my family didn’t know I had one, I could be so much more open. But alas, that’s one side of me I’d rather not have them see because I feel they would take it the wrong way. I’ve come to the conclusion that if I would feel uncomfortable talking about something in real life with certain people, then it’s not going in my blog. Maybe one day I’ll start an anonymous one and really say what I think. πŸ™‚

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