The title of this post is a direct quote from my (step)dad’s bible, which I was given when he passed away and I’ve spent the last (almost) 6 years avoiding it. I have other bibles I like to use and I’ve been saving his and keeping it clean all this time because I’m afraid of being confronted when I open the pages.
The pages with his script all over them, his words and notes – his thoughts, encouragements and struggles. I want his hands and his hugs, but his words have the same effect. So recently I’ve been digging into it, using it as my principle bible as I read and try to learn something or find encouragement.
The story I most want to tell right now I just can’t. For so many reasons. Safety, fear, for love, for respect. Not long ago I was taking notes while in church and jotted down “Phil 2:16” thinking it had something to do with not complaining or grumbling … when really it says something along the lines of I did not run or labor for nothing. And at the top of the page my dad has written WORRY IS A JOY STEALER. All in caps because that is how he wrote. Army letters.
I do not want to be this blogger. I have fought this urge SO MANY times, I do not want to be this blogger who quotes scripture and talks about Jesus. But I do want to be that person. So bad. I am that person. And this blog is not for anyone but myself and one day my kids. So Fuck it. I may be dragging my feet in the sand here but I AM DOING IT, OK?
A lot has happened recently. Behind this scene, this window in to my life. So much has changed and nothing has changed at all. I’ve crossed off huge life list items but I’m not ready to share them. I’m just waiting right now, in waiting I guess. In a cocoon of safety from letting it go from sharing too much from opening up something that was meant to be wrapped. I’m just waiting.
So I’m just taking comfort in the fact that Worry Is A Joy Stealer. That thinking about it til I can’t think of anything else is stealing the joy around me, the joy in-which I need to breathe. It’s stealing my kids’ joy and that’s just mean.
How applicable is that verse – Phil 2:16, I did not run or labor for nothing. The decisions we labor over, the very act of laboring in life is not for nothing. And worrying about it is stealing the thunder of the brightness around us.
You didn’t just go through that so that you could take some more pills, drown your sorrow and forget that you have faults. You didn’t just suffer and cry and weep to hide inside yourself. You did not just save yourself from the backslide and you will not save yourself from you.