I often am overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions – is this not evident? I talk about it here a lot, not only those very emotions but the feeling of being underneath them and some times, after “saying it out loud” (read: writing about them here), I just feel so much better. Then later worry about all these people peaking into my home, my life, my marriage and wondering why I so willingly air it on the internet.
For a long time that was easy for me because I wasn’t confronted with my audience. Family, yes, but the other people reading this site never really made themselves known to me. I was oblivious to Aaron’s coworkers “listening” in on my conversation. I had no idea that past acquaintances or friends of friends would find this site and get to know me on a level that most people, face to face, still don’t. That strangers would one day be my closest friends.
Now I am very aware. Aware to the point of changing quite a few boundaries I used to never have here. (Surprising, isn’t it?) Not because anything bad has happened or I’ve gotten an onslaught of hate-mail. I don’t think I have thick enough skin to deal with that kind of pressure. That kind of exposure. I’m very happy here – with you.
For a long time this website, online journal if you will, was a way for me to be something ELSE than what I was in my day to day life of trying to become a mom. Trying to be a parent and a young wife – this was the escape. The place where I could go to forget about those things, even though I would almost always write about them – I could be the better version of me online. I always was.
Then a huge personal shift happened where I wanted to stop pretending and I started living my real life like I did online. And vise versa.
This website has pushed me to be more honest in my real life conversations because I’m so brutally honest here, in this medium. I don’t back down from opinions, whereas a few years ago I could have been EASILY swayed into thinking whatever you were at the time because it was that important to me to be liked.
These are my flaws, I live with them every day. Most people do. I guess, this isolation I feel from my emotions is not because I feel alone – it’s because I know I’m not alone but I’m still the only one engaging in the conversation and I don’t know how to make that leap.
I guess I’m just going through some growing pains – personal growth is painful. I just seem to be hell-bent on doing it infront of the world. Well, a very small part of the world – but my world.
So this is me begging you to be patient with me. I don’t want to stop writing about these personal conflicts and progressions but I also want to have the conversations about everyday happiness. The little things. I’m giving myself a pep talk here.
I’m trying to tell myself that I can be both, because I already am.