The skies have been grey for a few days now, this weather always begs me to say too much and bleed all over. To listen to the songs that bring me to the edge and break me and I’m drawn to the water like a magnet. To put my feet in the foam and look out on the endless horizon. The water is where I go, not because I have a choice, there’s a lure there, it’s the place where all I see is what’s in front of me.
The water is a constant in my life and the more I sort out and come to terms with all the things that send us to our knees I’m drawn to the water to remind myself that this work is worth it.
My Grandparents were just in town for a visit and after spending the summer in their neck of the woods it was so fun to see them on our turf so quickly again after immersing ourselves in their every day. One of the things my Grandpa does often when he visits is to have coffee with Aaron’s Grandpa. They talk politics and old man things and who knows what else. Fishing? They probably have all sorts of things to catch up on, but it matters to me that the patriarchs in my life are still standing. More than that, that they talk to each other.
The men in my life.
I have so few left.
I mean, we should stop here, yes? It only took 24 words to tell my story from start to finish.
All the poems I want to tell you, All the
things I want to give away and watch you take from me
if you could just put your hand on my heart
these are the words I don’t know how to write
from the closet of my wardrobe heart.
Dig around in there, excavate my soul.
I shared the whole poem on Instagram because this, this is it.
I just want the water. The horizon. The waves. I want the drama of the lake, the hell fury of a storm coming in. A small place to write, a single burner to brew coffee and a jar for the wine I’ll drink.
Sometimes I want to forget, to disappear and come back when I’ve sorted this all out. When I’m ready for the responsibility of my life. When I’ve had all the conversations I never got to have and met with all the lovers I never had. When I lived a thousand different lives above bars and bookstores in cities all over the world. When I’ve finally settled my soul.
Maybe then, this would be enough.
For now there’s always the lake. But the song she sings to me is only getting louder.