Right, so. I’m a 5 on the enneagram. Let’s dive in.

I was thinking today about my enneagram number as I was listening to podcasts to better understand my type, my wing and my subtype … I’m a 5W4 (sexual) for those of you who might know what that means and yes, I’m as bothered by the subtype name as you are. I don’t think I’ll ever shake someones hand and admit that I’m a Sexual Type 5 on the enneagram with a 4 wing. That sounds … off.

I digress, because the reason I was even listening to hours and hours of conversation about this is because tomorrow I’m being interviewed about being a type 5. Which of course means I need to know everything there is to know about it so I can do it justice when asked.

Here’s what I learned and loved: I am very shotgun-shy in conversation because I need more time than most to respond thoughtfully. A Type 5 will often look up or away (or up and away) when asked questions because we’re going through all our mental files, or tabs, to best formulate our response. I do this all.the.time in conversation, and I’m aware of it and very self conscious about it. I do much better with long hand communication. Writing (emails and messages – not over text) because I don’t have expectancy or social pressure to perform.

(Aaron is an 8W7 on the enneagram and one of the things I am constantly impressed with his how fast he is. In response, in conversation, in mental capacity. He’s like the roadrunner. When I’m in a healthy mental space and have habits of rest in my life – I operate like an 8, I can be very quick in all the same ways, but this is something I’m always in awe of about Aaron.)

I’m almost 50/50 with my Type 5 and Type 4 but I dominate in the 5 space because of the beliefs as a child (fear of being incompetent, called stupid etc.) which I live with to this day. This is my biggest fear and her cousin is abandonment (which is the 4 fear).

I’m a very private person, so this space on the internet has always confounded people. However, I’m always alone when I’m writing. It’s just me and my keyboard – this is the most free place for me. It’s how I process, how I feel, how I know my emotions are real.

Like most Type 5’s; I don’t ask for help because being self sufficient is a core value of mine. I do not need anyone else, I will carry myself and I will be autonomous.

I’m not a negative person, by nature, I’m a cautious one who has learned how to say yes and wants adventure. But I always start with the negative. You want a memory of mine? Here are the bad ones … we have to unearth this before I can understand the good ones. There is such a ying and yang in me that I don’t know how else to put this: I do not experience joy without knowing true sorrow.

It’s not a rule I was taught, not something that was modeled for me. It’s not a belief I developed, it just is. This is just the process for me. I will get to the joy – and there is so much joy – but first I have to see the underbelly. I have to know WHY there’s joy. I have to see her receipts.

I’ve really struggled with the enneagram, am I a 4? Am I a seven? I wouldn’t describe myself as anxious, but thats only because I’ve been this way my entire life – I don’t know another way. So, am I a 6? I’m well prepared for almost everything. But I don’t do the avarice with information like all the material talks about for a 5. I have areas of interest that I understand many facets of, but I want to share those things, not keep them to myself.

If I do hoard – it’s resources, mainly my time. I am very, very picky with how I spend my time, with few exceptions. My family (Aaron and my kids) have full access to me, all the time. They are where I spend my energy first, even if I’m already on reserve. They get to bankrupt me (and, honestly, they often do) but this is my gift to them. I will give them all of me, even when nothing is left. They get me first.

I hoard ideas and secrets, but not the ones you trust me with. More like – the end of this street is the most peaceful view of Lake Michigan. I won’t advertise this (or I’ll delete it soon after if I do) because those nuggets are mine.

Because I’m so comfortable being alone, being silent, being with myself … I don’t waste a lot of time thinking about what other people think of me. Do I want to be liked? Yes. Do I want to be invited? Of course I do. But without invitation, I’m already happy with myself.

Like most 5’s, I’m different in that I am social, or when I am comfortable with you – I share easily. I WANT to be known but I will not advertise this. I’ve shared very sacred parts of my story with a lot of people – but the ticket is that I was the one sharing it. If you hear my story second hand and then come to me for confirmation, fuck off.

I am not here to serve as your ATM of information on my life nor will I be the access you desire to your own thoughts and feelings. I have exercised my capacity in this way for many relationships and they always end. Some end badly, others just end. Either way, they end. Because I can’t see my way out of being someone else’s access to themselves, or myself … and I don’t have the capacity to carry anyone but myself. (Exception is my own family, who again, breaks all the rules and is allowed to.)

My pet peeves are incompetence or people who waste my time. I know this is starting to sound very 5-ish and I own this part of me. I am not down with surprises, the worst thing you could do to me is invite me to do something and then hours before said event surprise me with new details or other people. I need (and I’m serious) all the information first. Who’s going to be there? Is this a group thing, just you and I? Will I be expected to perform?

I prefer one on one conversations or very small, previously agreed upon gatherings. I can, and have, stepped in to leadership roles but I much prefer pulling the strings behind the curtain. I will prop you up to do your best and if you could just whisper how much you appreciate me, that’ll do.

I read all the time. I consume a shitton of information but I have access to my feelings about it. I’m generally being an anthropologist on my own experience and welcome conversation about it. I’m constantly confused about people who don’t choose authenticity.

Watching movies and listening to music are the number one ways to get me to unleash the emotions I’m working hard to avoid, this is why I prefer documentaries or, unless I’m well rested, cannot handle live shows of any kind. Dance, especially. I am 100% emotional and all it takes to unlock me is someone on a stage doing what they were made to do. I am undone at this. This is the ultimate beauty for me.

I’m not divorced from my body, like most 5’s. In fact, being Type 1 Diabetic doesn’t lend me this escape, I am constantly thinking about my body. But if I could see her through another lens, maybe? Ask her what she needs or how she wants to move, instead of performing the task of taking care of her? I could move from my head to my heart about her … and this is the work I’m currently doing.

Are you new to the enneagram? Do you know your number?? I’d love to hear from fellow 5’s! Are you out there?

March 17 // Coronavirus Quarantine Day 2

March 17, 2020

We got this. We can do this. Yesterday was … how do you say … hard. I think the vast amount of information I had been taking in finally caught up with me. That and coming to terms with the loss of privacy or alone time hit me hard yesterday. But today is a new day and already I’m feeling better.

March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020

Yesterday started like I’m sure every day will start for the foreseeable future: the kids were awake before me checking their email and getting a jump start on their studies for the day. Or pinteresting. It’s hard to tell. I made my coffee, did the dishes, sat down for a minute and then freaked out.

Aaron has been able to set up an at-home office here so he’s generally only a hundred feet away, in the tinyhouse in our backyard, and he was getting our daughter signed up for some online learning, among other things. Like I mentioned earlier: the vast amount of information I had, to this point, been digesting really hit me. Add to this the onslaught of new accounts to sign-in to, more online systems to learn and oversee and the general sense of overwhelm I started to feel: this is what broke me.

March 17, 2020

I politely asked for everything to please stop. As in, stop sending me invites to new things. I cannot with the amount of tasks at hand, give a shit about a family slack channel. Also, please leave me alone. We don’t have any carrots in the house and how am I supposed to make the lunch I planned without a carrot to chop?! WE NEED CARROTS.

I went there, guys. I went dark. Everything fell apart over a slack channel and carrots. There were actual tears. And then we made lunch (a new, different lunch plan) and the kids were getting along and I announced we would be LEAVING THE HOUSE TO FIND SOME NATURE FOR A WALK.

March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020

It. Was. Awesome. So we hiked Sanctuary Woods (with most of Holland) and driving away from the house in a car felt like rebelion. It was naughty and I wanted the chance to explain to everyone who saw us that we were just going to a park, away from people, to be outside.

After our hike, there was more school work to complete and then a lot of down time until dinner. I put my headphones on and disappeared for a while. I started drinking wine and feeling better and texting family and friends.

March 17, 2020
March 17, 2020

The kids learned how to play Jacks and we ended up watching old home movies for hours past their bedtime, which is relative at this point. They finally went upstairs and Aaron and I sat there staring at our phones with a mindless show as background noise. It was a day. And we got through it.

Coronavirus Quarantine Day 1

Quarantine day 1

Yesterday was the first day of my kids’ schools being canceled. We have one in the public school system (high school) and another in a private school (middle school). Our high schooler doesn’t have any instruction from school yet, school just … stopped. And our middle schooler has a school-issued laptop where emails stream in with instructions and google-classroom work and the engine keeps moving.

Quarantine day 1

I decided to pick up my camera and document the everyday moments of the quarantine. I’m immunocompromised as a type 1 diabetic and we’re staying on top of the information available. We had expected school to be canceled and in my 24 hours of prepping mentally for it, I had grand ideas of schedules and menus and regular exercise. We did go for a walk yesterday, I did make a bunch of food, as planned, but I spent a lot of time on my phone digesting new and ever-changing information. I listened to hours of podcasts with headphones on in the same room as my children while they did school work, called friends or read. We played a game, Aaron went to the office and recreated an office here at home. At one point, I took a shower.

Quarantine day 1

And then it snowed.

We watched a movie together before sending the kids to bed and all my anxious energy finally had a place to go: up and out of me. Suddenly I realized that I would have to repeat today all over again. And again. And again. I haven’t had any feelings of panic about this situation until last night. It sounds irrational when I write it, and selfish. And yet, here I am. In day 2 of some weird version of Ground Hogs Day.

The upsides are this: I’ve always wanted to try homeschooling my kids. At exactly these ages, which is weird and awesome and I will rock Home-Ec like no other. Personal Finance, Credit building, How to obtain a mortgage, buy a house, balance a checkbook. I’m here for it. We’ll plan a garden, bake bread, and dance in the living room.

I haven’t decided how yet but I want to use my huge picture window in the front of our house as some sort of message board. “Free bread” “We’re all in this together” or just opening the blinds and turning all the lights on when it’s dark outside and slow dancing. A moving picture for whoever needs one that we still get to be held, loved, wanted, needed and together.

All the things

This Fall has been so full, fun and it seems like time has sped up. Like, I feel it in my bones – maybe I’m going faster than I usually do, or the faucet turned on inside of me and there’s no slowing my roll when it comes to ideas or gumption or enthusiasm.

2019-08-25 19.07.00

I have so much to share with you, offer you, and tell you.

First – in August I did something new called “Tour of Homes” which started out as an idea I shared on Instagram.

It quickly turned into an event but more of an evening with friends. Here’s a blurb about it:

Tour of Homes is a way to see inside the lives of every day people that decided to redo some or all of their home. Often these updates are only seen by a select few but after getting a chance to see and be inspired by so many ourselves, we asked a few friends and brave souls if they’d be willing to show others what they’ve been working on.

Tour of homes
2019-08-25 19.55.23

The evening ended in the Glass House and magic happened.

More about that soon! But right now, down to what I have to share with you … we’re doing it again! Another Tour of Homes is happening in October and you can get your tickets here.

Before that, on Sunday, October 6th, I’m offering Fall Mini-Shoots and have a handful of open spots yet. It’s a photoshoot within a 30 minute time slot and guaranteed 15-20 images/digital files for you to use as you please. More info here. (And because I’m super good at technology (that’s a joke) you’ll likely have to request to gain access to the form, I’m sorry, I don’t understand google forms)

truck

There will be a number of different fall vignettes to choose from, including one like the truck above. I am so excited!

If October 6th doesn’t work for you – a few photographer friends are also offering Fall Mini-sessions.

BeeTree Studios has some availability on Thursday, October 17th and Friday, October 18th. Follow this link for more information. (There’s a pony!)

pony_beetree

Expression Studios is another option, with details coming soon. Like their facebook page for details later today. They’re thinking of offering them on October 26th or 27th.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE!

I mentioned the Glass House earlier … you’ll want to sign up for their newsletter to be the first to know when they have events. One of their first events is going to be October 5th and I’m going!! I cannot wait to learn how to make sourdough bread from Becky. It’s definitely a workshop type class, and a good half day one at that. If you’re as curious in the kitchen as I am and have the time to invest in this – check out the details here.

2019-08-25 19.13.25

In summary – here’s what’s going on this Fall:

OCTOBER 5TH – Sourdough for the people $150
OCTOBER 6TH – Fall Mini-shoots with me $100
OCTOBER 17TH/18TH – Fall mini-sessions with BeeTree Studios $125
OCTOBER 20TH – Tour of Homes // October Edition $10
OCTOBER 26TH/27TH – Fall mini-sessions with Expression Studios (details coming soon)

What else is going on around town/Where are you spending time this fall? Leave your ideas in the comments!

** No affiliate links have been used, I’m just really excited and like to share.